Can a Breakup Be Good for a Relationship
Em is a millennial writer with a special interest in social sciences, dating, and what makes people click (and tick!).
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Tin Breaking Up Relieve Your Human relationship?
The short answer is no, breaking upwardly tin can't and won't relieve your relationship. What breaking upwardly can do is help give you lot and your meaning other personal space to grow outside the confines of your current relationship, and that growth might make you realize you're meant to be together. If that happens, your sometime relationship won't be saved—a new one, with different perspectives and boundaries, will have to accept its place.
A few years dorsum I was in a relationship that I badly wanted to work out. All the same, I knew that if we kept up the mode we were, things weren't going to last. He was going a whole day away for higher and I was attached to my job, friends, and family at home. I was thinking about spousal relationship, and he was totally freaked out about that idea. Considering of this, we decided to have a pause and see where things went, with the ultimate hope that we could save ourselves from beingness apart forever.
Unfortunately (or fortunately?) for u.s.a., splitting upward did not bring united states closer. In the end, we went our carve up means, and these days we connect only for the occasional Facebook catch upwards. Still, in that location's a lot of instances where this type of thing tin actually be really good for a couple and bail them more than, mending the ties that were in one case cleaved between them.
Hither's how to interruption up for the better, why it might work to bring you back together and how information technology could backfire.
You may find that what was important to you in the context of a future with this person, becomes much less then when you lot finish the relationship.
Time Apart Means Seeing the Other Person More Clearly
When y'all're not spending every day in each other's face, it'due south actually easier to see the other person for who they are and how they've grown in your fourth dimension together. With that beau I just mentioned, I ofttimes found myself irritated with how independent he was, never accepting help from other people or admitting that he couldn't do everything himself.
As we spent time apart, I plant myself impressed with his ability to take initiative and handle things on his own. My view of him came into balance, and I saw that his stubborn independence could exist a really absurd affair. Likewise, he often thought I was too careful simply as time went on he saw how my careful personality has left me with few regrets and caused me to be a solid, trustworthy person.
How It Could Backfire
Okay, so we did learn to appreciate each other a lot more than but I'm going to exist honest, we didn't see the positive aspects of 1 another so clearly in the first stage of our split. In fact, that initial fourth dimension autonomously only seemed to reinforce my negative attributes for him every bit he explored other friendships and relationships and found himself picking apart aspects of my personality that had been grinding at him subconsciously.
It wasn't until years apart and a couple failed relationships that he was able to come around and, perhaps through some rose-colored glasses and through the lenses of deep hindsight, meet me as the mature and thoughtful woman I am as opposed to the skittish and scared daughter he offset viewed me equally.
If you're hoping a split will assist your partner to see the crawly parts of you that yous run into (or vice versa) you may be disappointed at first equally you both come up down from the force per unit area that the human relationship, and your clashing personality traits had put on your lives, finding the infinite a huge relief.
Getting to know yourself better also ways getting to know your own faults better, and truly facing them caput on without the influence of some other person swaying your perspective.
Yous'll Become to Know Yourself Better
I learned some pretty shocking things most myself during our split:
- I'm actually good at hula hooping (we always merely watched Netflix together and weren't very agile when we were together).
- I love riding my cycle (Over again, not very active when we were together and we drove everywhere).
- I need a lot of tranquility, lone fourth dimension. I don't like to constantly chit conversation or have minor talk, something I felt like I had to proceed upwards with when he called me on his lunch breaks.
Read More From Pairedlife
This is probably the single most gratifying aspect of taking a break—yous get a lot of freedom to get to know yourself. Recall, in all this time that you lot've been with your partner, you've probably been bending and shaping yourself to fill their gaps, to remainder the relationship, to maintain the status quo.
This isn't a bad trait to take, information technology'south what most of us do in long-term relationships and marriages. But this tin can also rip at your identity, peculiarly if you're young or have only dated 1 or two people and don't accept a strong sense of cocky going into the relationship. Instead of recognizing that yous have to accept fourth dimension to work on yourself, you may take slipped into believing that this magical relationship you landed in would heal all of your past hurts, anxieties and dilemmas that existed earlier your bail with your partner. As Dr. Lisa Firestone says in this article for Psychology Today,
"Within this illusion of fusion, or fantasy bond, both individuals begin to deteriorate every bit they repeat their early attachment patterns and retreat to kittenish or parental [her emphasis] ways of relating."
How It Could Backlash
I don't believe that getting to know yourself better can ever truly backlash. It can be painful, but growth frequently is, and as you go to know yourself better, you may find that there are things near yourself you're not happy with. Perhaps yous'll realize that all of this time you lot've been blaming your partner for not being present enough for you, you were actually exhibiting signs of codependency. Indeed, getting to know yourself ameliorate besides means getting to know your ain faults amend, and truly facing them head on without the influence of another person swaying your perspective.
Or, mayhap, you lot'll learn that you've been lying to yourself and your partner that you lot want to get married and showtime a family unit when what y'all really want is to backpack through Europe for three months.
Getting to know yourself better—or your ex getting to know their self better—could very well consequence in one or both of you realizing that your hopes and dreams simply don't line up anymore.
Spending Time With Other People Tin can Help You Define Your Priorities
Up until my fellow and I divide up, we'd been planning on getting married, both sure that was the right direction for our relationship and our lives. When nosotros split up I all of a sudden realized I wasn't that interested in getting married or being anyone's wife withal and he constitute that completing his educational activity and travelling was more important to him than annihilation else at that point.
See, cutting our relationship out of the flick helped usa to both realize that without that in the equation, our priorities were actually much dissimilar than we had thought they were.
As well, yous may find that what was of import to you in the context of a time to come with this person, becomes much less so when you lot end the human relationship. Mayhap you thought you wanted to move to the w declension with him when it turns out yous really want to start a minor business organisation in the community you already alive in. Perhaps she was going to support yous then you could exist a stay at abode parent only as you spend time apart you recognize that you actually want to exist a preschool instructor, non a housewife.
And perhaps, but maybe, those new priorities reignite the relationship and assist you ii to go back on track with a new perspective and a fresh focus.
How It Could Backfire
Or, 1 or both of yous could come to the distinct conclusion that your changing priorities no longer match up. This is what happened to us. As he spent the next eight weeks later on our split pursuing an education in his dream field and I spent time dorsum home exploring the area with my old friends and earthworks my heels into my ain studies, I realized that I really, really didn't want to move away, something I'd have to do if we stayed together, since his field of work required a ton of travel.
Sometimes, time apart volition evidence y'all that you lot can't accept your cake and eat it likewise. Y'all may not be able to stay together and still pursue your individual priorities. These days, he's globetrotting his majorly educated butt off—something he always, e'er dreamed of, and I'm hunkered down in our hometown fulfilling my passions equally a writer and planting roots in the town I've always loved. We're happier for realizing our true priorities and though it may experience painful now, if this happens to you, both your worlds will exist brighter for information technology.
Spending time out with your quondam friends volition help you both remember who you were before your relationship.
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Potential Pitfalls
You already know that breaking up in the hopes of getting back together isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Hither's some potential pitfalls to set up yourselves for as you consider this route.
Jealousy
Oh, you're going to experience jealousy and unfortunately, ane of you lot may exist compelled to apply jealousy as a weapon to sway the other into coming back to you quicker.
How to Avoid It:
Don't hang out on each other'due south social media (unfollow if you have to), don't tell each other when or if you're seeing someone else, or interested in another person. I think yous both have to acknowledge that if you take time apart, you will explore with other people. Perhaps information technology'll help you both realize what you lot had in the other, or force y'all to see that you're not actually meant for each other. Either way, approach this delicately.
One of Yous Moves On and The Other Doesn't
In my own scenario, I started casually seeing someone nearly two months into our break. I say coincidental because, in the end, it didn't go anywhere but at the time information technology dragged all of the romantic feelings I had for my ex into the sewer.
I just wasn't in love with him or even in similar with him anymore. I'd moved on and that's when our temporary interruption was officially over. In the infamous words of T-Swift, we are never, e'er getting dorsum together. Similar, e'er.
How to Avoid It:
You shouldn't. If ane of you moves on it's a super clear sign that you lot're not meant to be together, at least non right now.
Can't go by the jealousy of thinking of your ex with someone else? Information technology'south fourth dimension to finish talking completely or you'll never get a chance to move on for yourself.
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Breaking Up Only to Relieve the Relationship Might Mean Yous Never Fully Explore
Splitting upwards with the idea that you're going to just country back together means that ane of y'all might stay in limbo waiting while the other goes on exploring. Does that sounds very good for you?
No, it's not.
How to Avoid It:
Get out there! It doesn't hateful y'all have to get wrangle a appointment right this minute, in fact that's not really very healthy. But go explore your interests, get to know what y'all love, similar and detest about the earth without the shadow of your partner skewing your view. Here'southward some sound advice from life omnibus Sharon Pope on taking a temporary break from your partner.
Rules for Breaking Up With the Hopes of Getting Back Together
Yous ready to exercise this? Here are five rules for breaking up with the intention of getting dorsum together:
- Follow each other with caution. Don't exist all over each other'southward social media. Information technology can ignite jealousy and give your a skewed view that your ex is having more than fun without you lot than they actually are.
- Don't post things cryptically to your ex. Don't exist that person posting relationship memes and quotes like "I want a guy who uses his trunk every bit a doormat for my problems." You're meliorate than that. Maintain some dignity and self-esteem and if you have something y'all really desire to tell your ex, say it in a private bulletin.
- No "we can't see other people" clauses. Don't wait your partner to be a doll on a shelf. If you're taking a break, you lot don't belong to each other. If they desire to get out on a engagement with another person, they're free to practice that and so are you lot.
- Resist calling/texting or "hanging out" for the foreseeable future. It might not be a bad thought to instate a timeline for when you can start talking again or how much yous can communicate at all. Information technology might be weird non to talk at first then perchance you can agree to text each other twice a week at a sure fourth dimension. Setting upwardly these boundaries helps y'all to cut ties and requite each other space without feeling like you're totally freefalling.
- If you can't curb your jealousy, cutting off all contact. If 1 or both of you lot are dealing with overwhelming jealousy and then it's time to intermission off all contact. Jealousy is a natural side issue of taking time apart, but allow it have over and it'll sour the whole point of taking a break, which is to go to know yourselves better in the hopes of having a healthier partnership.
This content is authentic and true to the best of the author'southward noesis and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized communication from a qualified professional.
© 2022 Em Clark
dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 02, 2019:
".. breaking up tin can't and won't save your relationship." Very truthful!
Just as getting divorced won't salvage a spousal relationship!
These days it's and so trendy to take a "break" in relationships whenever a couple is not getting along well. The theory is each person volition get away and work on them cocky, figure out what they desire, and when they get back together their love will exist renewed with a new appreciation for each other...etc.
In all fashion of speaking a "break" is a breakup!
It's not uncommon for people to outset dating new people or fifty-fifty conceive babies with other people while being on a "break".
There is even a term for it called "suspension babies".
Breakups and divorces should be seriously contemplated before making such a decision. No relationship is better off when there is ever a suitcase packed by the door every time bug ascend.
Ultimatums, leaving, or threatening to leave someone oftentimes erodes the trust one's mate has in them. It also tin be seen as a "ability struggle" or manipulation tactic to (command) another.
Therefore taking a "break" to save a relationship isn't a great strategy. Some people while on suspension will try to dictate what their ex is {immune to do} while on the break. It's a breakup with "rules".
"I don't want to be with you and I don't desire you with anyone else!"
Generally speaking it is very rare for both people to wake up 1 day look each other in the heart and say together:
"Lets accept a break!"
What usually happens is (i person) is very unhappy in the relationship and believes they could do better or might be happier being away from their mate. However they want to have the "choice" to come back if they learn they're just as unhappy beingness single or detect out they tin can't find anyone better.
Meanwhile the person who did NOT want the "break" is suppose to put their life in (limbo) while their ex figures out what (they) desire. Yous can't go much more selfish than that.
In other instances the term "suspension" is used to give a futurity ex false promise and avoid a potential messy drama filled exit. By telling your soon to exist (ex) that this is just a "break" may calm them downwards.
After a few weeks go past or a couple of months being apart they permit them know they've decided the "break" is now a "breakup".
The promise is by existence apart it will reduce the overall shock for them. Breakups are always done at the comfort level of the person catastrophe the relationship. It'due south important to at least exist honest with yourself.
Once you exit someone you lot can't control what the future holds.
"While we are free to cull our actions, we are non free to choose the consequences of our deportment." - Stephen R. Covey
Source: https://pairedlife.com/breakups/Can-Breaking-Up-Save-a-Relationship
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