Help kids make friends: 12 evidence-based tips
© 2009-2020 Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., all rights reserved
How can we assistance kids brand friends? Information technology might seem we can exercise very lilliputian. Making friends is a very personal business, afterwards all.
But building a friendship depends on a child'southward emotional skills, cocky-regulation skills, and social competence. And parents can play an important part in the development of these abilities.
For example, many children have trouble making friends considering they feel shy or broken-hearted. If we show these kids how to respond to friendly overtures — and provide them with piece of cake, safe opportunities for interacting with friendly people — we can help them build crucial social connections.
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Likewise, there are children who struggle because they lack adequate impulse command, or carry in ways that antagonize others. These kids will find it much easier to make friends if we help them develop their self-regulation skills.
And just about every child will benefit from coaching and exercise in the social arts. All around the world, successful friendship depends on the same, fundamental skills. To be successful, kids must
- regulate their own, negative emotions;
- understand other people's emotions and perspectives;
- show sympathy, and offer assistance to friends in demand;
- feel secure and trusting of other people;
- know how to handle introductions, and participate in conversation;
- be capable of cooperation, negotiation, and compromise;
- know how to apologize, and make apology; and
- be understanding (and forgiving) of other people's mistakes.
It's a long list, and honing these skills requires experience, effort, do.
Simply that'due south precisely why parents and teachers can be helpful. Making friends isn't a magic pull a fast one on. Information technology's something we acquire. Something we tin assist our children learn.
And so here is an evidence-based guide — 12 physical ways that we can assist kids make friends.
one. Show your kid warmth and respect. Don't endeavor to control your child through threats, punishments, or emotional "bribery."
It might not seem of immediate relevance to your child's ability to make friends. Merely the way parents treat children has an impact on their emotional evolution and social beliefs. And this, in turn, can affect their peer relationships.
For example, consider opens in a new windowdisciplinarian parenting, an arroyo to intendance-giving that emphasizes absolute obedience, low levels of warmth, and an attempt to control behavior through threats, punishments, or shaming.
In research conducted throughout the world, authoritarian parenting has been linked with the evolution of behavior problems (Lansford et al 2018). And kids with behavior problems have more trouble making friends.
It as well appears that parental psychological control — the endeavour to manipulate children through guilt trips, shaming, or the withdrawal of affection — sets children upward for developing poor-quality friendships (east.1000., Cook et al 2012).
By contrast, when parents show warmth, and utilize positive field of study strategies — reasoning with children, and discussing the reasons for rules — kids tend to become more prosocial over time.
They are more likely to treat others with kindness and sympathy (Pastorelli et al 2015).
They tend to be less aggressive, more cocky-reliant, and better-liked by peers (Brotman et al 2009; Sheehan and Watson 2008; Hastings et al 2007).
So how exactly tin can we enforce practiced behavior without resorting to threats and punishments? For help, encounter my article about opens in a new window"positive parenting." And to learn more than about the effects of dissimilar parenting styles, run into this opens in a new windowParenting Science guide.
2. Be your child'due south "emotion coach."
All of us feel negative emotions and selfish impulses. Does it foreclose us from maintaining good friendships? No. Not if we know how to keep these responses nether control.
And so children need to acquire how to regulate their own emotions. And parents? Nosotros can either help them, or make things more difficult.
For example, in i study, researchers asked parents — the mothers of 5-year-olds — how they responded to their children's negative emotions. Then the researchers tracked child outcomes over the course of several years. What happened?
Kids were more than likely to develop strong cocky-regulation skills if they had grown up with a parent who talked with them — sympathetically and constructively — about how to cope with bad moods and difficult feelings (Blair et al 2013). And the stronger a kid's self-regulation skills, the more likely that child was to develop positive peer relationships as her or she got older.
On the flip side, studies advise that kids develop weaker cocky-regulation skills when their parents react dismissively ("You're simply being empty-headed!") or punitively ("Go to your room!") to their children's negative emotions (Davidov and Grusec 1996; Denham 1997; Denham et al 1997; Denham 1989; Denham and Grout 1993; Eisenberg et al 1996).
And then when kids get upset, it's worth taking the time to understand their feelings, and to actively teach them how to handle these feelings in a healthy, effective style. For tips, see my commodity, opens in a new window"Emotion coaching."
3. Nurture your child'due south ability to empathize and "read minds."
Kids demand to do more than command their ain, negative emotions. They also demand to understand the emotions and perspectives of others.
Aren't these things supposed to come up naturally? Maybe, just "naturally" doesn't mean "automatically, without encouragement and support." In that location are physical things that parents and teachers can do to assist kids develop their emotion-savvy.
For more information encounter my opens in a new windowevidence-based for nurturing empathy, besides as these activities for opens in a new windowboosting a kid's face-reading skills.
It's hard for kids to make friends if they experience very anxious. Only what can we do most information technology?
Sensitive, responsive parenting is especially important for socially-broken-hearted children. They need to know that we'll exist in that location for them when they need us. And, as I notation opens in a new windowelsewhere, studies suggest that sensitive, responsive parenting helps kids develop the kind of secure attachment relationships that promote confidence and independence.
But when kids are really struggling with anxiety, they need boosted back up.
They perceive the globe to be particularly threatening, and unless we address that, they're probable to feel ongoing emotional problems — problems that tin interfere with the development of social skills (Pearcy et al 2020), and make information technology very difficult for a child to make friends (Lessard and Juvonen 2018).
So if your child is suffering from loftier levels of feet, talk almost your concerns with your pediatrician or school counselor. Child psychologists have developed constructive treatments for clinical anxiety, including cognitive behavioral therapy, an approach designed to re-railroad train your child's misperceptions and overreactive emotional responses (Seligman and Ollendick 2011).
But it's likewise of import to continue in mind: Sometimes, the threats are very existent.
For example, your child might attend a school where aggressive behavior problems are common. Your child might exist aware of peers or neighbors who have suffered violence. Or maybe your kid is being exposed to harassment, peer rejection, or bullying.
If that'south your child's situation, it makes sense to practice what you can to meliorate your child's environment. This includes taking action to stop violence, harassment, and bullying. But it may likewise include finding your child a new social outlet — like a social club or playgroup — that is peculiarly welcoming and secure.
5. Address your child'south aggressive or disruptive behavior problems.
Every bit I mentioned in a higher place, such behavior problems can pose a major social bulwark to making friends. Kids tend to avoid or shun peers who human action out in aggressive means.
What should you lot exercise if your child has trouble with disruptive outbursts or aggressive behavior?
For advice near coping equally a parent, run across my article, opens in a new window"Taming assailment in children: 5 crucial strategies for effective parenting."
In addition, run across my article, opens in a new window"Disruptive behavior problems: 12 prove-based tips for handling aggression, defiance, and acting out."
vi. Teach your child these crucial chat skills.
To brand new friends, kids need to acquire how to introduce themselves to others, and think of appropriate things to say.
They also need to learn how to listen well. And they need to larn how to provide conversational feedback — to show that they understand what another person is expressing.
How practice we foster these skills?
Nosotros can help by modeling good communication skills at dwelling house, and engaging our kids in pleasant, reciprocal conversations (Feldman et al 2013).
In addition, we can help past actively teaching kids what to exercise and say.
For case, kids benefit when nosotros teach them the art of "agile listening."
That's when a person makes it clear that he or she is paying attending — past making appropriate heart contact, orienting the torso in the management of the speaker, remaining quiet, and making relevant verbal responses (Bierman 1986).
And according to psychologists Fred Frankel and Robert Myatt (2003), we can railroad train kids to become meliorate conversationalists by offering them these concrete tips:
- When starting a chat with someone new, trade information about your "likes" and "dislikes."
- Don't be an interviewer. Don't merely ask questions. Offer data nigh yourself.
- Don't be a conversation squealer. When engaged in chat, but answer the question at hand. When you're done, give your partner the chance to talk.
Does your child need more opportunities to practice? Endeavour a telephone call, or an online video chat.
Studies advise that kids go along ameliorate when they are engaged in cooperative activities — activities in which kids piece of work toward a common goal (Roseth et al 2008). This is true in the classroom, and it's too true when children play (Gelb and Jacobson 1988).
So if children are struggling socially, it'due south probably a good idea to steer them away from competitive games, at least until they develop better social skills (Frankel and Myatt 2002).
And Fred Frankel and Robert Myatt offer this additional advice: If your kid has a play date, remove toys and games that might spark conflict. For example, they recommend that parents put away toy weapons, too as any items that could provoke contest or envy. If your child has a prized possession that he or she can't bear to share, information technology's best to hide information technology until the play date is over.
Desire to acquire more about the benefits of cooperative play? See opens in a new windowthis Parenting Science article.
And for a list of specific social activities to endeavour, come across my page, opens in a new window"Social skills activities for children and teens."
8. Prove your child how to handle awkward social situations.
To see what I mean, allow's get really specific.
Suppose a child, Sophie, sees several kids playing together. Sophie wants to join them, but she doesn't know how. What should she do?
Victoria Finnie and Alan Russell presented the mothers of preschool children with this hypothetical scenario, asking them to weigh in (Finnie and Russell 1988). And interestingly, the mothers who came upwardly with the best advice were too the mothers whose children demonstrated the best social skills.
What did these sage mothers say?
- Earlier making your approach, watch what the other kids are doing. What can yous do to fit in?
- Try joining the game by doing something relevant. For example, if kids are playing a restaurant game, see if you lot can become a new customer.
- Don't exist disruptive or critical or attempt to change the game.
- If the other kids don't want y'all to join in, don't try to force information technology. Simply back off and notice something else to do.
Information technology'due south good advice we tin can pass along to our own kids. And we shouldn't miss the bigger message from this written report: Children benefit when nosotros help them come up up with concrete strategies for dealing with bad-mannered social situations.
nine. Assistance kids larn the art of compromise and negotiation.
To build positive relationships with peers, kids need to be able to think of peaceful ways to resolve conflicts. They need to be able to understand what other people need and want; they must be capable of anticipating the consequences of diverse actions.
Kids who grow upwardly with siblings have a built-in advantage for developing these skills. They get lots of opportunities to practice the art of negotiation.
Only you don't have to take siblings to learn good social skills, and all kids — regardless of their family composition — benefit from a piddling guidance and instruction. Studies suggest that kids can strop their skills through office-playing exercises and activities that ask them to come upwards with solutions to hypothetical social clashes (Shure and Spivak 1980; Shure and Spivak 1982; Vestal and Jones 2004; Boyle D and Hassett-Walker 2008.).
So it seems a skillful bet that we can help children get improve social trouble-solvers by actively walking them through the procedure. The next fourth dimension your child butts heads with someone else, consider it learning opportunity. Assistance your child think of a solution that will be acceptable to both sides.
10. Teach your child how to limited remorse and brand amends.
It happens to anybody. We mess up. Nosotros make a bad judgment. We cause impairment or bad feelings.
What happens side by side? If we are shamed or "cancelled" for our mistakes, we tend to focus on our ain negative emotions. We may feel humiliation, resentment, and fifty-fifty anger. And that doesn't help u.s. repair our social relationships. Far from information technology.
By contrast, consider what happens if we experience a sense of guilt. Feeling guilty can be constructive. We reflect on how our actions have affected others. Nosotros empathize with our victims. And it inspires us to attempt to repair the impairment we've caused.
The departure is crucial for making and keeping friends.
Studies confirm that children — fifty-fifty children as young as 4 years — are more likely to forgive a peer for wrongdoing if that peer actively apologizes. And equally children get a scrap older (and more than sophisticated), they pay attending to signs that the perpetrator is remorseful. In fact, they don't always require an explicit apology — not if they find signs of remorse (Oostenbroek and Vaish 2019).
But what'due south the nearly effective way to repair a relationship? Don't just repent, or human action remorseful. Make amends.
In an experiment on six- and 7-twelvemonth-olds, researchers observed how children responded to a transgressor who knocked down a tower they'd been building. Kids were forgiving if the transgressor apologized, but they still felt upset. The only thing that made these kids experience better was if the transgressor actively helped them re-build their tower (Drell and Jaswal 2015).
So that's what we should aim for — education our kids how to repair relationships and improve bad feelings. From an early on age, we should motorcoach them on how to evangelize apologies, and how to make amends for their mistakes.
eleven. Encourage your child to exist understanding, and forgiving of other people's mistakes.
Kids tin be forgiving, but it doesn't e'er come naturally. In fact, some children have an ongoing trouble with vindictiveness. They tend to presume that other people are hostile, and they may brood about perceived slights and insults.
If that'due south your kid'south trouble, you'll desire to help change his or her perceptions of other people. Help your child consider a transgressor's bespeak of view, and ask your kid to remember of alternative explanations for problematic behavior.
Possibly information technology was a careless accident. Peradventure the transgressor was stressed-out about something, or feeling tired or ill. Perchance the transgressor was simply having a bad 24-hour interval, and you happened to get in his way.
When adults ask kids to call back almost such alternative explanations, kids are more likely to requite perpetrators the benefit of the doubt (Van Djik et al 2019).
Of grade, non every child needs such prodding. Some kids are too indulgent towards incorrect-doers. They blame themselves when they get victimized, and remain in relationships that exit them perpetually exploited or mistreated (Luchies et al 2010).
So nosotros need to be mindful of the situation, and requite each child the blazon of support he or she needs.
Studies in a diverseness of cultures suggest that children are better off when their parents stay informed about their social activities (Parke et al 2002).
Called "parental monitoring," this includes doing things like
- supervising where young children play;
- helping children find opportunities to come across and socialize with friendly, prosocial peers;
- talking to your children'southward friends when they come up to visit, and
- asking your kids to tell you most things they've washed in their free time.
There's also evidence in favor of setting certain limits, like insisting that your adolescent tell yous in advance about the details of an evening out.
Who will you lot be hanging out with? What will you be doing? Where will you become?
But parents need to tread carefully. They tin can embarrass their children — and scare off potential friends — by becoming besides intrusive.
And if kids perceive usa to be too controlling, they are more likely to refuse our guidance. In fact, in one study, adolescents really became more probable to choose a delinquent peer as a friend if they idea their parents were overplaying their authority (Tilton-Weaver et al 2013).
Then information technology's important to give your child a sense of autonomy, and communicate your concerns in a way that seems reasonable and respectful. Otherwise your kid may come to view your authorisation as illegitimate, and comport accordingly.
For more information, run across my commodity, opens in a new window"Why kids rebel: What children believe about the legitimacy of adult authority."
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Content of "How to help kids make friends" last modified 10/ 2020
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